Sarah Palin Off Salt

THIS JUST IN: Sarah Palin's doctor ordered her completely off of salt today. The would be vice- presidential resigner is not suffering from hypertension, however. The order came after Todd spilled salt on her hand at the dinner table and her thumb melted off. She has been advised to swim and bathe in fresh water only and to clean that little slimy trail she leaves behind everywhere she slithers.

AND IN OTHER NEWS: John Boehner revised his stand on the new health care reform bill after discovering he would be eligible for treatment to alleviate his craniorectal disorder. He commented today "This is really a miracle. Even the nifty Congress insurance plan couldn't help me with this because my head has been up there so long and it's wedged really tight, too. I'd like to apologize for all those lies I told about this great new plan. I'm sure almost all my Republican colleagues will line up behind me on this one as this is a common problem in our party. Maybe there is hope for us if we can get our shoulders above our waists, at least, and get a better look at what's going on in this country"